Wednesday, April 4, 2012

How to make people think that you are 'Legit Bat-Shit Crazy'

 


Recently I made a decision that I wanted to make people think I was 'Legit Bat-Shit Crazy.' This is not hard, especially with some of my family members. So I have been working on a list of things to do to convince people of this. Most of them require some talent, but with daily use anyone should be able to master 'Bat-Shit Craziness!'




WARNING: Doing any or all of these may result in: loss of friends, physical attacks, time spent in a psychiatric hospital for the mentally insane, loss of life, loss of limb, loss of personal merit, people laughing at you, people making fun of you, slanderous remarks about your mental state,  or any/every possible reaction imaginable (seriously the sky is the limit). Do not do any, or all, of these things unless you are full prepared for the consequences. I mean seriously! If something does happen to you I "The Gadfly" assume no responsibility for your actions. If you do any of the 'Bat Shit Crazy' things on this list, you do so under your own consent. But enjoy and have fun convincing everyone you're 'Bat Shit Crazy.'

  1. Make strange noises out of the blue. Seriously, anything you can think of and your mouth can do, do it.
  2. Laugh at random (not even funny) things until you get everyone else laughing, and then stop.
  3. Do a psychopathic cry thing, and then suddenly stop and laugh.
  4. Talk to yourself, in one voice, and then answer back, in another voice.
  5. Stare off into space with a vacant expression for extended amounts of time, ignoring anything around you (even people calling your name).
  6. Drool on yourself until it gets on your clothes and blame your friend 'Tom.' Try to do this one while doing #5, but instead of blaming 'Tom' say, "SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK it happened again," while staring at your drool spot.
  7. Do the creepy Voldemort head roll from Order of the Phoenix.
  8. Develop a tick.
  9. Speak as if you are a buffering track (more like a very bad stutter).
  10. Name inanimate objects and treat them as if they have souls. 
  11. Thank anything that does an action automatically (such as automatic opening doors at the super market), don't forget #10 while doing this.
  12. Set shit on fire (like a piece of paper) and intently watch it burn. Get sad when it goes out.
  13. Ask stranger random questions.
  14. Carry on a conversation with an inanimate object. 
  15. Sleep for 24 hours straight. (Works best if you have a roommate).
  16. If people violate your personal space (arm's length) lunge at them as if to bite them. Fell free to make attacking noises.
  17. Never walk in straight lines. 
  18. Walk with your palms facing forward looking around at everything (works best if doing this while doing #5)
  19. Do #18 and walk up to strangers and stare at them for a minute (face to face) and then walk away.
  20. Sway contently to music, especially when there is none.
  21. Have That's So Raven moments in the middle of conversations.
  22. After doing #21 for a few minutes snap back and tell the other person about your vision. (Works best if you 'predict' their demise).
  23. Interrupt your conversation to let your best friend 'Tom' way in on the conversation.
  24. Tell people about conversations with your dead pet. Sometimes actively participate in conversations with your dead pet.
  25. Tell people about/talk aloud to 'Susy,' the bloody girl who stands at the foot of your bed at night.
  26. Take pictures of your poop, urine, or any other thing, and arrange them by some complex, but obvious, system (I prefer color). Show these pictures to your friends when they show you pictures of their family, don't forget #10.
  27. Yell HEY!! to anyone you pass, but do not stop for their reaction or let them respond.
  28. Go into a quiet room with someone and say "It is way too loud in here" while being completely serious.
  29. Keep asking people to repeat themselves until they yell at you and then get upset and tell them that they did not have to yell it.
  30. Stare at people's chin while they are talking.
  31. If you feel the need to look people in the eyes, choose one and stare deeply into it. Sometimes you have to slowly move closer to the other person's face for this one to take full effect.
  32. Make white rubber gloves a regular fashion assessory.
  33. Speak in the third person. 
  34. Ask for things that don't exist, such as "is the fourth floor open" when your in a three story building.
  35. Walk around at odd times of night, like 5 am.
  36. Stare up at trees for an extended amount of time, as if amazed by there leafiness.
  37. Creepishly touch everything as if you are trying to seduce it.
  38. Forget to wear articles of clothing, and then ask if you can borrow it from a complete stranger.
  39. Walk and stare directly at your feet.
  40. Stare through windows (or doors) at people with a vacant expression on your face.
  41. Avoid eye contact.
  42. Wear a mask (keep it simple).
  43. Exhale deeply.
  44. Stand in a doorway (or my favorite, elevator doors) as if you are about to dual with the person on the other side.
  45. Write everything down.
  46. Move your arms in fluid, over dramatic, motions.
  47. Tell people their hair makes you want to do things, such as to a red head: "your hair makes The Gadfly want to set things on fire." Works best if you do not know the person and you slowly try to reach out and touch their hair as you say it.
  48. Go without blinking for extended amounts of time. When you must blink, do so very fast.
  49. When in conversation, tell people that "that remind me of..." and make sure that it is completely unrelated.
  50. Whisper everything, except one part of speech (The Gadfly likes verbs)  which you yell.

It is not a complete list, as crazy people never complete anything. If you have even more things to add to the list, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT!!!!
Your comments may be featured in the next list (or if The Gadfly is feeling lazy, as updates to this list).
Seriously I am getting lonely here with Tom, Susy, and Myselves.

3 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Well thank you Anonymous stranger. It took me surprisingly little time to write all of these.

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