Happy Zombie Apocalypse

This year for Easter, instead of spending time with my family, like I usually do, I decided to say screw it and spend some time with myself. To me the whole celebration of Easter is a bit dumb anyways.
So if by some random chance I ever find a girl that is willing to bear my seed, or unknowingly receives it, my progeny will not celebrate Easter in the traditional sense. It will go a little something like this:

• There will be none of that resurrection BS:

I apologize if you have the mental capacity of a twelve year old, but I do not. There is nothing about the whole Jesus story that makes sense to me. I mean sure it is possible for it to be true, but it is also possible that unicorns exist and I do not believe in them either.
I am an atheist, not a devil worshipper as some think the two are synonymous. These people are usually the same twelve year old mental capacity individuals mentioned above. I mean, who the hell thinks an atheist worships the devil, hello we don’t believe in that either.
So instead of Easter, I have the Zombie Apocalypse. It is almost just as legit as the alleged Easter story.

• No Easter Bunny:

Who in their right mind with any biological knowledge of the Leporidae family, can possibly sit by and let this ignorant myth of the Easter Bunny survive. No more of the lying and thieving Easter Bunny. Bunnies do not lay eggs (the lie) so we can only assume how he gets them (the theft).
But however, there is a group of freaky animals that is both a mammal and lays eggs. Meet the monotremes: this odd-ball group of mammals apparently did not get the memo that mammals are not supposed to lay eggs. My personal favorite of this five species group is Ornithorhynchus anatinus, the platypus. This little freak-show is a semi-aquatic native of eastern Australia and Tasmania. Along with echidna, these little buggers are the only species of monotremes.
Instead of my progeny stupidly running around yelling about some thieving bunny. When my little progeny wake up on Easter morning they will run into where ever the hell their basket is set-up yelling “THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE PLATYPUS HAS CAME!!!” I am not trying to raise idiots, if kids are dumb enough to believe that a rabbit shits out hard-boiled eggs, then Darwin says: “let them die.”

• No more hiding Easter eggs:

Seriously, who in their right mind thought this was a good idea. Yeah, let’s hide a bunch of hard-boiled and/or plastic eggs all around the yard and let a bunch of children try to find them. If you have ever witnessed this spectacle first-hand it is hilarious watching these dumb kids walk past the same damn egg three times before ultimately stepping on it and then crying.
Why waist time, money, energy, food, and countless other resources to hide colored eggs. How many kids actually eat the colored eggs. They may have been a treat back in the day, but when was the last time you saw a kid turn down jelly beans to engorge themselves on freaking hard boiled eggs.

• No bunnies, chicks, or ducklings:

I am sorry, but any dumb ass parent who buys their child a living baby animal from the hardware store as a present on a holiday that is so full of useless throw-away gifts should be shot for utter stupidity. These things are living things, NOT A FUCKING TOY YOU DUMB ASS! Seriously, just don’t buy your kids living things as presents. A pet is a wonderful thing but if you seriously want to get your kid a pet, you need to sit down with the child and discuss the responsibility that owning a pet requires with him/her. Then after deciding that your child is responsible enough, wait a while (you were probably wrong the first time). WHen you are absolutely certain that they are responsible enough to have a pet, and you accept that most likely you will be the sole caregiver of this animal, you are ready to talk about what type of pet to get. A pet should not be a freaking impulse buy, not even thought about until you get to the register.
But that being said, rabbits do make rather cool pets. My brother and I had a pair of them and they were pretty cool, but not the most entertaining animals. I have also for some strange reason, have always wanted a pet duck. Don’t ask.

As I grow older I realize that holidays are ever-increasingly pointless. This is especially true for the religious ones, like Easter. even if you remove all of the fluff of it: the egg shitting bunny, the yellow peeps, chocolate bunnies, non-smokable basket grass, dopey baskets, egg hide-and-seek, again the dumb egg shitting bunny, and all of the other commercialized aspects of the whole thing. What are you left with.
The story of this Jew who allegedly (although many will argue with me) pseudo-died on this crucifix. After his pseudo-death, he allegedly played ultimate hide-and-seek in this tomb (which is a pretty bad ass hiding place). Then he got bored and came out of hiding (because he did not have shit on Anne Frank). Whenever his friends who though he had actually died the other day seen him, he just ran with it when they said, “you’re supposed to be dead.”
Then we celebrate this event by having a egg shitting bunny deliver a bunch of cheap toys and candy to every boy and girl.
I prefer my version where the Jew dies and then comes back as a zombie Jew. Every year we celebrate the Zombie Apocalypse. It allegedly happened once, it can happen again.
Every year on the eve of the Zombie Apocalypse the Zombie Apocalypse Platypus drops by, lays an egg or two and leaves the children some candy and crappy toys.
Then on Zombie Apocalypse day: instead of hiding eggs and hoping that they all get found so that your yard does not smell like shit for a month to come. All of the children go outside and try to find the Zombie Apocalypse Platypus, and all of his biodegradable eggs (seriously kids never find all the eggs).
Whoever finds the Zombie Apocalypse Platypus wins a nifty prize, like more candy, or even money. Every biodegradable Zombie Apocalypse Platypus egg can either be filled with even more candy or something that can be redeemed for a prize.
So instead of celebrating another lame ass Easter, celebrate my way and have a happy Zombie Apocalypse!