The Great Most Epic Gummy Bear Saga Freakin' Ever!

The other day when I was at Wal-Mart I bought a GIANT bag of my favorite candy ever: Gummy Bears. My favorite brand of them is the Black Forest kind, but since my Wal-Mart does not apparently support that particular brand of delicious gummy treats, I settled for the Great Value brand (which is actually not that bad).

See the Gummy Bear 

like nature.

Evil demonic bear from 

The Fox and the hound

I had some class work to do, and I was eating my amazing Gummy Bears and got distracted (imagine that). As a side note, I wonder where in the world they came up with the idea of making a gelatinous bear. I mean why not make gummy horses. But no, they make gummy bears. I guess that people would not much like eating horses. I mean horses are cute and nice, and who wants to eat them. But bears are mean and evil and eat people. So they figured that they would let people get a little revenge on the evil bastard bears and make delicious little fruity snacks shaped somewhat like bears so that people would get a chance to eat the bears for a change. Oh well! I have always imagined gummy bears to be more like Care Bears, instead of that evil demonic looking bear from the Disney movie The Fox and the Hound. Gummy bears will always be little edible Care Bears to me, which kind of makes me always feel bad every time I cause one of these amazing little creatures to meet there death.

The Siamese Gummy Bears, names Winky (top) and Stinky (bottom).

As I was enjoying my gummy bear genocide I pulled out one strange little gummy bear. It was two conjoined gummy bears. I know that these two poor helpless souls probably came from the factory that way, as a result of some catastrophic malfunction or production error. But I had rather think that these two little bears were born that way. Some mother gummy bear gave birth to Siamese gummy bears.  Now usual being a Siamese twin would not be so horrible, except for the complete and total lack of any privacy. But for these two poor little gummy bears I would imagine that it would be horrible. I mean look at how they are joined together. I mean poor Stinky's head is literally up Winky's ass all the time. Now you know why his name is Stinky.

Elephant Man (top) and Andy (bottom).

At first I thought that this was just a rare case of Siamese twins in the gummy bear species. But then later on I was shocked to find another case. But this time, instead of mummy gummy bear giving birth to two healthy babies who were conjoined, she gave birth to one monster looking thing and another normal looking baby (other than being attached to the other thing). I don't know if you can clearly see it, but apparently the top gummy bear was born with some sort of a tumor growing out of the side of its face. I don't know what the hell Dr. GummyBear was thinking. When he removed the tumor apparently he created this giant ass crevasse in the side of this poor things head, causing him to resemble Elephant Man. But although all of the other kids make fun of him, he struggles through life (along with his brother Andy, because I would imagine that he catches almost the same amount of hell as Elephant Man) being happy for whatever gift god did give him. He does sometimes get discouraged; he always reminds himself that it could be worst.

After finding these four individuals, I decided that there must be other Gummy Bears in my imaginary Gummy Bear land. So as I was pulling them out of the safety of the bag that they came in, I would set aside the ones that I thought would make the perfect Gummy Bear race, and going all guumycide on the rest. Well I came across six other individuals that I figured would be noteworthy before they too met their deaths in my stomach.

This is Red GummyBear. He is very strong, but that is not always a good thing, because he also has a bad temper. The other bears are afraid of him. But most of his angry spouts are because he is overcompensating for his inner deeply emotional state. He is a lot like Lenny from Of Mice and Men, too damn strong and does not know how to handle his emotions. He has been known to get crazy mad at the other bears and sometimes to get into fights when he gets drunk. Also when he drinks he has been known to beat on his wife, Whitey.

This is Whitey GummyBear, Red's Wife. She has a very good nature and is almost perfect, which helps to even out Red's bad temperament. She is almost always happy and cheerful, even know all of the crap she has to put up with being married to Red. Sometime when Red gets in one of his moods he will try to attack their daughter Pinky, but Whitey always throws herself in between them and usually takes most of the beating. Due to this, Whitey and her daughter are extremely close and protective of each other and are rarely seen away from each other. 

. 

This is Pinky GummyBear, the daughter of Red and Whitey. She loves her mother, Whitey, unconditionally, and is rather fond of her father; although he beats her mother and her sometimes. When Red gets angry and beats on her mother, Pinky is always there by her mother's side, and nurses her mother back to health. Due to her being so grown up in this regard, she has retained a somewhat childlike nature in other areas. She is rather more immature than the other gummy bears her age. She also acts very silly and juvenile at times. Pinky is very much a girly-girl, and loves to shop and gossip with and about her friends. She is not very much into guys, because she thinks that all guys are like her father. But there is one guy bear at school that she likes named Aubie. She keeps hoping that he will ask her to the school dance. 

A family portrait of the family. From left to right: Red, Pinky, and Whitey. They may look happy, but happiness is only gelatin deep.

This is Goldie Gummy. She is very smart and is the teacher at the local Gummy Bear School. She has a very cheerful by nature, but can sometimes come off as impatient and critical. She loves her bastard son, Aubie, very much. She has never told Aubie, but she has been having an affair with Red for three years now. She wishes more than anything that Red would leave his wife, Whitey, and play a greater part in both Aubie's and her lives. She wishes this so deeply, but does not have the courage to tell Red about this. And who can really blame her, Red is an ass-hole. Plus she worries that it would crush Aubie to find out that his father is Red. 

This is Aubie Gummy. He is the bastard son of Red and Goldie. He is very happy and joyful, and one of the popular kids at school. He plays football and some would consider him a jock. But, he is also very creative and loves to paint and listen to music. However popular he may be he is filled with paralyzing self-doubt, mostly due to him not knowing who his father is. Due to this he has never been able to talk to the girl of his dreams Pinky GummyBear. 

This is a rare photograph of Red with Goldie and Aubie. He told Whitey that he was out of town on business but in fact he was spending some time with his other family.

This is a rare photograph of Red with Goldie and Aubie. He told Whitey that he was out of town on business but in fact he was spending some time with his other family.

This is Tom Green. He is a very smart, courageous, and powerful Gummy Bear. He is compassionate toward the rest of the Gummy Bears, but will also call them out when they screw up. It is for this why all the other Gummy Bears nominated him as their leader. He used to be good friends with Red GummyBear before he became the leader. But when Tom was chosen as the leader, Red got mad and they got into a big quarrel. They have a functioning relationship now, but there is still animosity between them. No one knows where he came from. Some think that he was conceived by a virgin who died in labor, but not even Tom knows for certain. He and Goldie are very close, although there is a big difference in their age.

See what no one knows, but Goldie and Red, is that Tom Green is her son. His father was named Bleu Bear. Bleu Bear and Goldie were having an affair (she is a bit of a whore). Red found out that she was cheating on him with Bleu and flew into a fit of rage and attacked and killed Bleu. Knowing that the Gummy Bear police would arrest Red, Goldie covered it all up. But she could not have Tom, because Red would flip a noodle if she dropped a son out and it was not his. So Goldie went on a trip and gave birth to Tom. When she came back she lied and said that she had found a baby bear in a dumpster. But knowing that Tom is actually her son and not being able to tell him or be a real mother to him has been detrimental to her and she has battled depression and drug addiction due to this.