Last night I had found out that my best friend and
roommate Zach, was in a relationship with my nemesis and other roommate Carson.
Fortunately, when I found out earlier that night—after John, the other roommate
had gotten drunk and told me—Carson was out of town with his friend, hunter, who
I later found out was his ex. Zach and I had taken a walk to talk about the
nights events and had returned just as the sun was coming up. Following the
‘stinker incident’ mentioned previously, we went to my room to watch an episode
of Criminal Minds that I wanted him
to see because the boy in it, who turns out to have killed his little brother
because he had broken his model airplane, reminded me of one of our roommates.
I am not going to say any names, but he was currently sleeping off the previous
night’s inebriation in the next room.
Moreover, I knew
that once Zach started watching any crime drama he could not sleep until he
found out the ending, and my exhaustion had not hit me yet and I did not want
to be alone. I was also enjoying spending time with Zach, although the
conditions could have been better. We watched most of the episode before my
exhaustion finally kicked in and I suddenly became all too aware of exactly how
long I had been up and how great my sleep debt really was. I finally kicked
Zach out—or maybe he just left, I really do not know seeing as I was about
three ticks past delirium—and I quickly nodded off to sleep.
I remember waking up sometime in the afternoon the next
day thinking to myself, maybe it was just
a dream. Then I did some complex philosophical thinking and realized that
there was no way that it was a dream. I laid there in my bed thinking to
myself, well that sucks, my best friend
is gay. At first, I thought about just abandoning him, tossing him to the
metaphoric wolves. Then I realized how wrong that would be for me to do that.
What really does his sexuality change about him? Is he not the same person he
was the night before last? I finally realized that although I was not happy
about his newfound sexuality, he was still my friend. I was not superbly
thrilled that he was gay, it might make things slightly more awkward in the
future, but the one thing that I could not really look past was whom he was
being gay with. Of all people in the world, he had to pick Carson!
My nicotine craving finally got the best of me and I got
out of bed and put on my clothes to go outside to smoke. John and Zach were
either gone or still asleep. There was no need in disturbing them if it was the
later. I was enjoying the tranquil calmness and solitude that was our
apartment, especially after the night before. It was like when you wake up
before everyone else and get those few precious moments of calm before the day
starts. As I walked down the hall, all my meditative tranquility was shattered.
Carson was standing in front of the refrigerator, doing
something Carsonesque. He about jumped out of his skin when he saw me, and
after an awkward exchange I walked outside to enjoy my cigarette. After a
couple of calming puffs, I was once again in a state of meditative tranquility
and I started thinking to myself. I
wonder if he knows. Did Zach ever get ahold of him last night? I guess I need
to talk to him just in case he didn’t. As much as I disliked him, now knowing
that Carson was gay made me somewhat feel sorry for him.
Not ‘feel sorry for him’ in the sense of pity due to some
oddity, but more feel a sort of pain for him as a human being. No matter how
hard it is for a young man to come out of the closet, I could only imagine that
it had to be a lot better than living a lie for so long. Also, seeing as how
Carson was forced out of the closet, I thought it would help him if he knew
that I—one of the people he greatest feared knowing his secret—really did not care
about it. I still loathed him, but I needed to let him know that I was okay
with it and would support him being himself, and most importantly that I would
not try to throw it up in his face as he had feared.
As I finished off my cigarette, I thought about how to
approach the topic. I had never been one for abruptness. I kept thinking to
myself, How do you approach such a
sensitive topic. Either, he already knows I know and possibly would not want
the further intrusion, or he doesn’t know and I am about to crush his life’s
charade. Either way, this is going to be an awkward ass conversation. It needs
to be done, so that he knows I know, we know, and that he has people who
support him, particularly me—the one he was worried about finding out. In
addition, I did not want him to blame me, or John. I guess I will just wing it.
As I opened the door to come inside, Carson was still
standing in the kitchen, no longer staring at the refrigerator. He made his
usual face of disgust as I walked in and carried some of the cigarette smell
with me. Typically, I took pleasure in this, a visual sign that I had
successfully bothered him. This time though, I felt annoyed and had an urge to
more permanently disfigure his face. Then I remembered that I was supposed to
be calm, supportive, and nice.
I closed the door and walked over to him in the kitchen. I
started slowly, by making initial contact and asking what he was doing. He was
changing the battery in the clock or something else that most normal people
never think about. After a few awkward pauses and fumbles, I finally figured I
might as well just dive in. I asked, “So did you hear about last night?” He had
somewhat heard the story recapped by Laura, but was not completely certain.
“Yeah about that…?”
“Well John kinda got drunk and told me about your’s and
Zach’s relationship,” I responded.
“That is what Laura told me,” said Carson.
Now I had to absolve myself from any perceived wrong
doings, “Sorry man, I tried to avoid it. Even told him that I didn’t want to
know, but he was drunk and kind of insisted.”
“He doesn’t need to drink anymore,” said Carson rather
abruptly and authoritatively, “And I wish he would learn to keep his mouth
shut.” I figured Carson would blame it on the drinking he abhorred anyone who drank.
“I wouldn’t necessarily say that, he just doesn’t need to
drink if he is supposed to be keeping a secret,” I said jokingly, trying to
defuse the tone of hostility I sensed in his voice. Carson gave a small laugh,
mostly as a courtesy.
“Yeah I guess so. He better be glad that he did not get
in more trouble than he did,” said Carson.
I had to agree with him, “Yeah he was very lucky last night,” but I also did
not want to focus too much on John and have Carson blaming him, there had
already been too much of a disturbance in the relative peace of our apartment.
I quickly tried to divert his attention to another source, “From what I
understand, John did not just stumble upon it. Hunter had told John last week
about y’all and he had tried to hold it in for as long as he could. He told
Laura, because really, how do you sit on that?” Carson made a snort at him
telling Laura. “And they both agreed to not tell anybody. But then John got
drunk, because apparently it was really bothering him, and figured that I had a
right to know. I didn’t tell anybody because that is y’alls business, and I
personally don’t give a damn.” I was somewhat lying about the last bit and
since I hated liars I had to amend my declaration of not giving a damn.“I do
care, but not in the condescending sense, it is just going to take some getting
used to. But now, pretty much we all know.”
“Yeah… that is pretty much what Laura told me. I just
wished everyone didn’t know.”
“Why?” I responded in shock, “It is not that big of a
deal.”
“It is just that it was mine and Zach’s personal business
and no one needs to know,” responded Carson. I was a little taken aback by his
response. I had never pegged him to be a conservative when it came to exposure.
I had figured that he would have loved all of the attention. He finished,
“Plus, I liked the thrill of sneaking around.”
“Well they do now!” I said jokingly and then got serious
as I finished, “And if they have a problem with it they can come talk to me.”
He cocked his head as if in disbelief and slightly
grinned and said, “Well thanks.”
I let out a confused laugh before asking, “What?”
“It is just I can’t believe you are actually defending
me,” he said still taken aback and expecting me to deny it.
“Nall you know I don’t give a damn about stuff like that.
I just really don’t see anything wrong with it and I will stand up for anybody
based on principles. Like I told you before, I would not care if my son was
gay, I would only care if he did not tell me.” I was getting into poetic speech
mode. “And I know that you didn’t want me to know because you were afraid of me
using it against you, but you shouldn’t have worried. I may do some mean
things, but I have principles, and they tell me that this is not the kind of
information that you use against people.” Carson was looking somewhat stunned.
“I guess what I am trying to say is that it does bother me that y’all did not
tell me, but I do understand. Hell, I can’t really blame ya, I wouldn’t of told
me neither.” I said as I gave a maniacal glance and Carson gave a small
chuckle. “But now that I do know, you don’t have anything to worry about. I
ain’t going to use it against you, or at least I’ll try not to.”
I paused to take a breath and Carson interrupted my
speech to say, “Thank you for that.” I guess he thought I was done.
“No problem. Now I ain’t going to lie, I still ain’t to
fond of you, on a personal level. But, I am pretty fond of Zach, him being my
best friend and all, and ain’t nobody going to mess with him. I may despise you
to your core,” I said looking directly at him so that he knew I was talking
about him, “but I will die,” figuratively of course, “defending your right to
be who you are.”
I am assuming Carson understood what I was saying,
because he simply responded, “Oh.”
I had to laugh a little once I realized how stupid what I
had just said sounded, but I also had to admit it sounded pretty good. Then I
further explained fearing he really did not get exactly what I was trying to
say, “What I am trying to say is I really don’t like you, you know that, and I
am assuming that you don’t very much care for me.” He agreed so at least we had
a mutual disdain for one another. “But, I also know that you are facing a lot
now with your secret being ripped out of the closet and put on public display.
I imagine it is hard enough for someone to come out on their own, much less
being forced out.” I suddenly, for possibly the first time realized just how
human he was and how much empathy I had for him at this difficult time. Before
I even knew exactly what I what had happened I had given into my rare whim of
humanity and was saying, “You did not ask to bear this weight, and I guess what
I am trying to say is… I will try to help support you and Zach both in this.
Zach already knows I got his back,” I felt the desire to add ‘no pun intended’
but decided not to, “and so now I am telling you. I support y’all. If you need
anybody to talk to or if anybody fucks with ya, let me know.
He laughed a little and said, “Alright. Thanks.”
“Just please don’t hurt my friend.”
I still loathed him on principle, but I was going to
support him and more importantly, I was going to support Zach. I knew that in
the coming weeks, especially since the news was out, that Hunter was going to
try his damnedest to break the two of them up, and I did not want him to
succeed. It was not that I was beside myself with joy that my best friend was
in a relationship with Carson, it was more that I wanted him to be happy. If
being with Carson made him happy, however unhappy it made me, it was my place
to support him and at least try to be nice to the little twit.
In the days following Carson’s
and my conversation, I started to regret having promised to support Zach and
Carson, and especially my internal promise to be nice to him. Our apartment had
always been a rather happy place. Since there were four of us, we were bound to
disagree and argue at some point, but we always had some de facto rules such as: if you do something, it is alright for
others to do the same and majority rules. For the most part, we all got along pretty
well. However, after Zach and Carson came out, our relatively calm and relaxed
apartment started to become more and more tense.
We had always sat in the living
room, or any room for that matter, at night and for hours on end talked, laughed,
had a jolly good time; especially John, Zach and I. Carson would often be
present, but he was more of a bystander of kept for comic relief. That is
something that I had always enjoyed because for just about any subject you
could find at least one person to talk with about it. But frequently since the
infamous night, we would all be sitting around talking and out of nowhere Zach
and Carson would get up and leave John and I and go off into Carson’s or Zach’s
room, which ever was empty which was typically Carson’s. Alternatively, if, as
it often was only John, Zach, and I, Carson would call Zach to his room
expecting Zach, as he often did, to abandon the conversation mid-sentence. If,
as he once did, Zach did not immediately come running Carson would get all
pissy and make a big deal out of it. After first noticing this, I secretly made
it my agenda to see how long I could get Zach to stay around after Carson called.
I had to remind myself that
they were in a relationship and it was to be expected. I had just thought that
it was me being paranoid. Until one night John was outside with me smoking and
we started talking. We had both picked up on a few things here and there, and it
seemed to bother both of us.
There was the abandonment of
conversations and company that was just rude and annoying that I mentioned
above. We had both noticed how they were constantly stuck up under each other’s
ass all the time, leaving things that had once been a four-person activity only
two. They increasingly showed each other more and more attention while John and
I were being ignored. I know that that sounds childish and petty, but damn you
freaking live together. Any time that Zach and Carson argued, although Zach
would try to keep it behind closed doors, everyone felt the tension. Most
prominently though, John and I both noticed how gay they were both acting. Both
of them started picking up more and more mannerisms of a stereotypical gay
male. In addition, something that John had noticed but I had not until it was
brought to my attention was Carson’s ever-increasing attitude. He began to act as
if he was untouchable, arrogant, and above everyone, a narcissist hiding behind
his new beau. He was especially acting this way toward me. I believe that he
had mistaken my message of support for him as a message of defeat. I guess he
figured that I would not dare insult him or risk losing my friend.
I just remember feeling an ever-increasing
feeling of tension in our apartment. I still despised Carson, but in a way, he
was right. I did back down more than I usually would, as to not drive a wedge
between Zach and me. Then there was the whole relationship that had to be
contended with. There is a reason people say “never date your roommate” and
since they are typically talking about a heterosexual couple, I am going to go
out on a limb and assume it goes double for a homosexual couple. This tripled
when the homosexual couple has two other heterosexual roommates. There was also
all kind of personal things I was going through. Most predominantly at the
moment, I had no one to talk to about all of the shit I was going through. I
could not talk to my mom about it because I felt it would be ratting them out
yet again, and I did not want her or the rest of my family to think negatively of
Zach. That leaves one other person who I talked to about my problems: Zach. However,
I could not really talk to him about my problems, because he was a large part
of it. The only person left was John, but he was not Zach, the only person I
really trusted in Savannah.
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