John had gotten drunk, got in a fight with Laura, passed
out, almost went comatose, gotten caught by the cops, gotten written up by
housing. In the process, he implicated
my best friend Zach of having sexual relations with the annoying bastard of a
roommate Carson.
After the last of the paramedics, Police officers, and
Community Assistants left our apartment; Zach and I had put John to bed. Afterwards,
we had gone over to Laura’s apartment because neither of us was remotely tired
after the night’s events and we did not want to wake John from his drunken
stupor.
When we got over there, everyone was awake. Laura,
Morgan, and another guy named Ben were over there. We talked for a while about
the nights events. Then the dreaded question came up. The one we had all been
trying to avoid all night. Why John and Laura got into an argument?
I believe it was Zach who asked it—as all the other people
had already known the answer. I knew that I could not avoid the question and
the possible confirmation inevitably. But I had at least wished to talk to Zach
alone about it. I did not want Zach publically persecuted like that. I did not
like everyone thinking that my best friend was having sex with that ass hole
Carson. I did not want to know the possibility that what John had told me was
truth. If it was up to me I would have went to my grave never questioning
Zach’s sexuality. But unfortunately, I could no longer avoid it.
As he sat across the room from me, I could not help
feeling scared for him, for myself. I hated feeling that way. I had always—well
at least for a while—felt that that it was none of my business if someone was
gay of not. Sure, I wanted to know if someone was gay, but only out of curiosity.
It just really did not matter to me whether they were or not; they were still
human. Their sexuality was just a minute variable in the complex equation of
who they are. Nevertheless, as I sat there looking across the room at Zach I
could not help feeling that if what John had told me was true, then it would
ultimately define his and my friendship.
Everything was about to come to fruition for everyone. I
got to give it to Laura; she amazed me with how she handled the question. She
told Zach, something to the effect of “Hunter had told John something about you
and Carson earlier in the week. I was the only one he told, but it was eating
him inside and he got drunk tonight and told him,” as she turned her head to
me, “ which pissed me off because it was not his business. It is nobody’s
business except yours and Carson’s. I just want you to know that I support you.”
It gave Zach enough information so that if true, he would know what was going
on, but was vague enough that it did not put him on the spot. And my favorite
little part was the “I support you.” Shear genius, again precise and vague at
the same time, but it also put Zach at ease, if true, knowing that she was on
his side.
I was trying to avoid eye contact with Zach at this
point, hoping that his eyes would not give away a tell-tale sign of whether or
not what John had told me was true. Finally, I could not avoid it any longer
and I looked at Zach, sitting there alone in his chair. I cannot get over how
vulnerable he looked. He must have realized that everyone was looking at him
because he looked at me and asked, “What did John tell you?”
“I really don’t want to say, like Laura said it is none of
our business.” I responded, hoping that what was not our business was a lie.
“You’re right but since Hunter ran his mouth I would like
to know exactly what John told you.”
I could not say no to him any longer, he was my best
friend and deserved the truth. “He told me that,” I said, take a breath before
I finished, “you and Carson had slept together.” There was a long pause while
the last words of my sentence hung in the air.
Zach must have felt everyone’s eyes on him. He scanned the
room and responded, “Oh…. I am guessing you all have heard this then.” None of
us could avoid nodding without perjuring ourselves. Zach said, “Oh…. I need to
talk to Carson.”
You need to talk to
Carson? I guess he needs to let Carson know what is going on so that he is not
bombarded with the night’s proceedings when he comes back. That is it; Zach is
just being the usual ‘cares about others’ Zach. There is nothing hidden there.
Zach just genuinely cares about other people and does not want to talk behind
someone’s back.
Usually Carson would have been in the middle of the
night’s events. Freaking out as the cops came into our apartment. Afraid that
they may find something, anything, that would get him in trouble. Glaring condescendingly at John because he had been
drinking, unapologetically hoping that John would get in trouble because he
hated anyone who drank. To Carson to take one sip was alcoholism. Fortunately,
tonight he was out. Hunter had invited him to a concert, and he would not be
back until tomorrow afternoon.
“You can try to text him, but he told me earlier he was
going to bed,” said Laura.
“His phone is broken, but he does have his iPod,” said
Zach.
There was a long silence while we all sat there staring
at Zach, who was waiting for a response from Carson’s iPod Touch, the one that
I bought for him over the summer with my Target employee discount. I could not
help but feel sorry for him. He was under attack and there was nothing I could do
about it. Except maybe, change the subject.
“Why is his phone broken?” I asked Zach.
“Hunter got tired of Carson playing with it and broke
it.”
“Oh… why would Hunter care if Carson plays on his phone?”
My plan to change the subject was failing miserably.
Zach let out a deep sigh before responding, “Because they
are supposed to be on a date.”
Yep, my plan had seriously capsized and was sinking fast.
“Oh….”
Zach knew that he had said too much and there was no
turning back from it now. Taking a deep breath he said, “Carson and Hunter used
to date each other. But they broke up…” He took another deep breath, as he
looked straight into my eyes. “And Carson and I have uh… been dating.”
My heart skipped a beat and began to pound ever faster
trying to make up for the loss. I stared off at the curtained window to my left
until I gained the courage to look back at him and ask. “What do you mean
dating?”
“Carson and me are…uh…in a… relationship. He is my boyfriend.”
It sounded extremely stupid as he said it: “Boyfriend.”
But no matter how stupid it sounded, the simple word was like knives that sent
my stomach into a fit trying to dodge their sharp points. I felt a strange
variety of feelings. My best friend was in a relationship with Carson, that
bastard that I had spent the better part of a semester trying to belittle and
annoy to the brink of suicide. At first, I will admit, I felt disgusted by the
thought. I would like to say that it was only at the thought of Zach dating
Carson, but it wasn’t only that.
The thought of them two—two guys—together disgusted me. I could not help
feeling betrayed. Not only in the sense that Zach had essentially went over to
the dark side by being with Carson, but in the fact that he was in a
relationship with a man. I cannot even lie and say that the thought did not
cross my mind; my best friend is a fudge
packing queer, homo, FAGGOT! All those times I had confided in him, he had
been holding this back. Most of all I was disgusted in myself. I had always
said that I did not care if someone was gay or straight, but here I was
fighting back an urge to vomit at the thought of my best friend having sexual
relations with another man.
As I sat there in silence Laura explained Hunter wanting
to win Carson by preventing Zach’s progression had told John about it all. When
John did not believe Hunter’s claim that our other two roommates were fooling
around behind our backs, Hunter offered him proof. He told John that the next
time he woke up early and everyone else was still asleep, which often happened,
to go into Zach’s room and see if he was there. John still not completely
believing Hunter, had did this and to his utter bewilderment, found Zach’s bed
empty. Zach confirmed that he had been in Carson’s room that morning, as well
as every morning for the past month or so. Every night he would wait until John
and I went to sleep and then would sneak into Carson’s room.
Laura then explained how John had tried to hold this in,
but when she and he went on a walk earlier in the week, he finally spilled his
guts to her. Apparently, only having each other to confide in caused them to
want to drink really bad and the nights events had been a result of that.
I guess that I had always been comfortable with others
being gay, so long as it was at a distance. Now I could no longer avoid the
fact that Zach was gay and it was ever present. I also could not help feeling
sorry for him. How do you come back from something like that? I sat there for a
good while not really saying anything. After a little while, everyone else went
to bed and I asked Zach if he wanted to go for a walk. I was relieved when he
said yes; because there was no way that, I was going to sleep tonight and I had
so many questions for him.
As we walked around campus, Zach and I had our first real
conversation in a long time. I could not help feeling as if I was talking to an
old friend after an extended absence. I had to start off by making sure that
what had happened that night was not some sort of illusory experience. “So you
and Carson…he is your…?”
“Boyfriend,” Zach finished.
“So that is what y’all are going to call each other?”
“Yeah,” he said detecting the joking manner which I had
spoken, but still being completely serious.
“When did y’all start…you know?”
“Dating?” answered Zach. “Since October, you remember
that night when John scared the shit out of him and he wanted me to sleep in
his room with him?”
“Yeah.”
“Well remember how John had said that he was mumbling
stuff and Carson was worried that John had heard him?”
I was more preoccupied with trying not to piss myself
laughing to worry about Carson’s concerns but “yeah.”
“Well that night he and I began talking. Hunter and him
had just had a fight and that was what he was mumbling about. He was upset
about Hunter and I was there and he confided in me. And then we started talking
more and one thing led to another and—”
“I get the picture.”
As it turns out, Hunter and Carson had been dating since
high school. As I had always suspected, Carson mostly only kept Hunter around
for monetary reasons. Nevertheless, Carson had cheated on Hunter several times,
because apparently he was just a horny little bastard who did not actually love
Hunter—only his money. Shortly after their fight that night, Hunter found out
about Zach and then there was an intense period of rivalry between the two as
they competed for Carson’s love. Obviously, Zach won out, although personally
my bet was on Hunter because Carson is a greedy little twit and Zach was not
rich as Hunter was and could not spoil Carson as Hunter could. Greed always beats
superficial feelings of love. The concert was Hunter’s last ditch effort to woo
Carson, and Carson being the ultimate self-preserver went to the concert, although
Zach did not want him to, because it was his
favorite group and he had wanted to see it forever.
When I had confronted Zach on the car ride home about him
and me growing apart and him and Carson growing closer, they had already
started dating. He told me that he had wanted so much to tell me but he had
promised Carson that he wouldn’t. Carson had been keeping this secret from
everyone, and did not want it thrown in his face. Most of all he did not want
his family to find out. Due to this, especially the throwing in face part, Zach
swore not to tell anyone, especially me.
I asked him how long he liked boys, and was rather
astounded when he said he never had. I know that Carson is kind of feminine at
times but he still counts as a boy. “Have there been any other guys that you
have ever found attractive?”
“No! Just Carson.”
“So you’re saying that you don’t find any other guy attractive except Carson?”
“Yeah.”
“Not even me?” It is not as narcissistic as it sounds, I
had to ask, just to clear the air.
“No, not even you?” he answered.
I was a bit offended at this, I don’t even really know
why. Probably because it was Carson and well to me, an ant was better than
Carson and Zach had chosen ‘less than ant’ over me. It was just a blow to my self-esteem.
“What about John?”
“Yeah right.”
“Why do you say that?” I questioned. Being a secure
straight male, I had no problem finishing up with, “John is an attractive dude,
at least more so than Carson.”
“Not to me, he is dumb.”
“And Carson is just a freaking genius? The kid can barely
pass any of his classes, even with all of the special accommodations made to
him with his ADD.”
“No, but…. Okay, Carson may not do well in school, but he
can think for himself. John just memorizes certain facts, but does not grasp
underlying concepts. Not to mention
there is not that much to him, he is very one dimensional…sports, Nintendo,
school, alcohol, religion. There is really nothing else to him. He is just very
superficial. Not to mention he is a homophobe.”
“Oh… He may not be the deepest person in the world, but I
still say he is better than Carson.”
This little quiz of guys he found attractive went on for
a while as we made our way back to our apartment. Finally, I remembered someone
that I knew that he could not avoid saying yes to.
“What about Harper.” Harper, our old roommate was a Greek
like god-man that looked as if he was chiseled from stone and possesses a
lighthearted personality that made him genuinely fun to be around but you could
still have a serious conversation with. I have no problem with saying this dude
is attractive. It is like with Brad Pitt or Will Smith, there is nothing wrong
with noting their aesthetics or other certain qualities that make them
attractive. Essentially, you are just acknowledging that the person meets human
archetypes of attraction. Zach finally had to concede that he found other guy
attractive, even if only visually.
Finally, by the time we got back to our apartment I had
gotten over the whole shock value of the nights events. I realized from our
walked that his being gay did not change anything he was still good ol’ Zach.
As we climbed the stairs to our apartment, just as we were about to enter, I
had to let him know where I stood.
“I know that you are relieved to not be caring around all
of that weight. I don’t care about it; I do wish you would have picked someone
else but whatever. I do however ask that you and Carson respect John and me in
the fact that we are straight and don’t be all over each other in the common
spaces. Also as a personal favor to me would you please try to keep y’all's
relationship as private as possible. I support y’all but I am not sure that I
am ready to have it in my face.”
“Okay, you know I have never been big on PDA.”
“PDA is not all I am talking about. For the time being, I
would like it if y’all continued the whole sneaking around thing. You sleep in your room and he sleeps in his room.”
Zach was not happy about my request, but after I assured
him that it was for the best and it would just take some time to adjust, he
consented. As we went inside, I made a b-line to the restroom because I had to
poop very badly. As I sat there thinking about the nights events I called to
Zach. He stood outside the door for a few minutes until I got tired of talking
to a door and cracked it open. I had to
let him know that we were okay; I had to let myself know that we were okay. “My
god this one is a stinker,” I said. When he agreed I knew I had him right where
I wanted. “Does it turn you on?” I said, not even trying to hide the smile on
my face. We both laughed as he rolled his eyes and replied, “Not in the
slightest.”
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